Starting Anew
by zaceggfron
Summary: "And if Kate had been thinking properly, she would know that it was improbable to walk six blocks from the park to the one place she wanted to be right now – with Rick – but that was before." Kate's side of the story in Always before the defining moment


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** this is my second castle fanfiction. i apologize in advance for the lack of capitals. i typed it with them in place, but then i posted it on tumblr and it voided all of them. i, being the genius i am, forgot to save it as a document so you're stuck with no capitals. again, i apologize. review if you'd like. i'd really like true, honest feedback.  
**DISCLAIMER:** if i owned castle, they wouldn't of waited four seasons to be together

she found it ironic, actually, that it had begun to rain. rain in movies typically fell in a sad or dramatic event, but in kate beckett's case, the rain represented a different idea entirely. to her, the rain was lethargic, washing away the old her and letting in the new one. the sky looked pissed, but kate had never felt more alive.

and it kate had been thinking properly, she would know that it was improbable to walk six blocks from the park to the one place she wanted to be right now – with rick – but that was before. now, all she could think about was getting to him. her only means of transportation outside of taxis and subways was gone forever and she had no desire to ride with strangers. walking in the rain sounded better.

kate was shaking by the time she finished the first block, but it didn't matter. the tears were still falling so she knew she wasn't done. god, how could she of been so stupid? yes, her mother was dead, but she knew her mother. her mother would not want kate to sacrifice herself in order for her to find a killer. she'd rather kate live a long full life because what's done was done. it was just job as a cop to find justice, yes, but that wasn't what she was after anymore. vengeance is what she wanted instead and it was going to get her killed. she knew that now, wishing that she had seen it just a moment sooner. now her life was in shambles. she quit her job. ryan and espo probably hated her, but that wasn't even what mattered. castle. castle was all that mattered and she shoved him aside like he meant nothing and he probably believed that, too. castle believed that he meant nothing to her, but god, he was so wrong. castle was everything. castle was the reason she was still breathing and oh, how she loved him. she loved him so much it hurt.

when she researched the door to his place, kate froze before his doorman urged her in from the rain. "thanks," she mumbled as she headed towards the elevator before freezing again. she couldn't do this in front of him. he couldn't see her like that. pulling out of her phone (she was surprised it even still functioned), she called castle, though she had no idea what she was going to say. there were words, but they were dangling on the tip of her tongue, unsure how to be voiced after holding everything in for so long, but she couldn't back down now. not now. she needed him. she loved him. she cursed when he didn't answer, but she knew it was to be expected. she wasn't going to get to do this the easy way. it'd all have to take both of them off guard.

at his door, she lifted her hand to the door over a dozen times before her knuckles actually make a brief contact with the door. she was shaking and she was pretty sure it wasn't from the cold. kate beckett was good at helping people, but she was not good at helping herself. unless she was in bed, she was useless about voicing what she wanted; she was too afraid of getting the things she wanted ripped away. after her mom died, she found it better not to want or hope at all and she was content that way. she was safe that way and then he came along. he was maddening, infuriating, childlike, but just downright perfect and beautiful and everything she had wanted when she was teenager before her life got ripped away from her and now, now she could of lost him because of her own stupidity.

after what seemed like a lifetime, the door opened to reveal a shell shocked castle as if he was judging if she was real or just a dream. she never came to him and certainly not drenched like that. _"beckett, what do you want?" _she wasn't expecting him to welcome her with open arms yet his hesitation – his anger – still cut her to the bone. she wanted to cry, but her body settled for the truth instead. "you," she said as though it was the most obvious answer in the world.

for a moment, she felt as though her feet were glued in place, but then her eyes flickered to her lips and she knew exactly what she needed, what she wanted. taking a stride forward and trying not to break down and get discouraged as he took a step back, she reached for his face. and finally, after four years, their lips met in a real kiss. a kiss that wasn't a distraction. a kiss that meant something. (it's not to say the kiss before didn't, but it was debatable.)

his lips were firm against her and she wanted to cry out, but it was her fault. she knew it was her fault. she had hurt him. she never wanted to hurt him again yet she had. she had because of her own selfish vendetta.

she kept her forehead against his, her arm on his shoulder almost as to keep him from moving away. "i'm so sorry, castle. i'm so sorry." she rubbed her nose against his trying to get him to understand how big this was, but he showed no indication. "i'm so sorry."

when she kissed him again, it was brief before he braced his hands on her arms and pushed her away from him. part of her – the illogical part of herself that had kept her away for so long – screamed that he didn't want her, that she was stupid. the logical part of her told her the truth. there were things they had to talk about before jumping into bed because once they did, that was it. there was no going back and she had hurt him. she saw it on his face how confused he was. merely hours ago, she had let him walk out without a tear on her face. she was too angry for tears, but now? she was changed. the tears had only recently stopped and she was there, in his arms, ready to love him.

"_what happened?" _he wanted the reason for her change and it pained her. couldn't she just want him to want him? no. she couldn't. she always wanted him – always had – but she never voiced it. she kept him at arms lengths so now he didn't understand. he needed to know why and she told him. the truth. "he got away and i didn't care." that wasn't the truth because she did care. she knew he was going to come back for her, but not tonight. she didn't care tonight and she would give it all up for castle without a second thought. "i almost died and all i could think about was you." words remained unspoken between them. how she thought about how she never had the chance to kiss him, to say she loved him, to wake up next to him, but she was keeping it short and sweet. she couldn't afford to get sentimental. "i just want you." she just wanted him for now and forever. she never wanted to let him go again. it was too close. god, it was too close. she was almost gone forever and he never would of known…

she raised on her heels to kiss him, but he didn't move towards her so this time, she waited, praying he would want her back, that he would see just how much she wanted him, how much she loved him even if she couldn't say so. she trailed her fingers over his lips, meeting his eyes, and watched the flip inside of him.

there was only a moment of hesitation before he pushed her against the door, his lips hungrily on hers and she pulled him closer. she was gripping him all over, her lips moving over and over his, their tongues touching for the first time as she felt the electricity run through her body. she couldn't breathe, but she kept kissing him. it seemed that no matter what she did, she couldn't get close enough to him. she couldn't feel him enough to let him know that they were here. she didn't speak and neither did he. they didn't need to. their actions said everything.

he pulled open her shirt, his eyes fixated on the bullet hold, and pressed his hand against it, feeling her beating heart. she placed her palm over it, looking him the eye and silently saying_, "castle, i'm here. i love you. i'm alive."_

their kisses were less rushed now and more about exploring each others mouths and bodies. she kissed him slowly, reveling in his taste – the taste that had never left her mouth since the first time they kissed. when she had to breathe, she pulled away and found the most genuine smile on her lips. castle was still shocked, a smile far from his lips, but he was staring at like he couldn't decide if she was real or just a vivid dream. wrapping her hand around his, she pulled him towards his bedroom. she had never been there before, but it was already as though she belonged there. as if they space besides his was crafted for her.

she was drenched in rain and she'd pay for it tomorrow, but right now it was a reminder that she was anew. that she was here with castle – rick – and that she wasn't letting go this time. she'd be beside him always.


End file.
